and painted and painted.
 
I decided in January that I would focus on painting.
Every morning, once the kids are off at school, ignoring dirty dishes, emails and Facebook, I go upstairs and paint.

It seems like such a fun, easy thing to do. “If only I could spend my day painting, writing a novel, baking cakes, playing guitar”! It is actually kind of scary.

I’m not complaining, but the reality is it is actually hard work. Much of it is mentally difficult. Will I ever be a great artist? Will I even be good? I don’t want to suck. I want it to mean something—I just don’t know what. That noise gets in the way of the joy of mixing color and playing with paint.

 My bimonthly creative group helps keep me focused and not get too overwhelmed. It’s a safe place where I can show my work, a place I get lots of encouragement and understanding.
I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to realize it was something that I needed.  Somehow, I thought I should just be disciplined enough to do it on my own. That I shouldn’t need any help. I need lots of help!

So, I’ve allowed myself to play, not take things too seriously, not worry if it’s art or not. Not worry what it means. Just paint. Funny that the only way for me to seriously paint is to not take it too seriously.
 
The other voice in my head (there are many) tells me that I should have a real job. I should be making money! There is no way I will EVER make money as an artist!!! That one is harder to ignore. A friend of mine says I should think of it as a sabbatical. I’m doing research on what it’s like to be a painter. That sort of works.  It’s hard not to think that NO ONE gets to just sit around and just paint.

The truth is I LOVE it.
I hate it when 2:30 comes along and I have to pick up the kids. Is it okay to let them play MineCraft on the computer so I can paint longer? Does that make me a bad mother? Finally, after they have gone to bed, I do want to spend time with my dear sweet husband, but I also want to sneak upstairs and finish that painting I was working on.
 
It feels like I was stuck for so long not painting that now that I have started again I don’t want to stop. Like the well is overflowing with creativity. Like I’m afraid it will be taken away from me and I will have to go back to reality if I leave my art space too long.

I have fantasies of buying the house next door (when a long-lost great aunt leaves me money in her will) and turning it into a studio/office. I even drew up the plans. Funny that my fantasy is so practical as a floor plan—remember architecture never felt like my creative outlet.  The fantasy is having a studio. That would mean I am an established artist.

I don’t know what the next step is. Do I want my work shown in an art gallery? On t-shirts?  iPhone covers? Covers of magazines? Commissions?  I don’t know. I just know I need to paint to be happy, and that is about as far as I have thought this through. I’ll keep you posted when I figure out the rest.

If people see life as either a half-empty or a half-full glass of water, my dear sweet husband sees it as three-quarters full. Or he thinks if you just put it in a smaller glass, it could be full.
I love that about him. He can always put a positive spin on life.

I, on the other hand think, “Why does it have to be in that plain glass - it could be in something more interesting, and does it have to be water? Why not fresh-squeezed Ruby Red grapefruit juice?”

 Why not a glass vase full of eggs? That looks so cool.

 Or why not a martini glass with cubes of homemade handpainted gelee cocktails in it?

Then I question why can’t I just see the glass as half-full or half-empty.

 I never know what is going to inspire me. Or where my next idea is going to come from. Usually things just pop into my head. Of course I have to give myself the time and space for these ideas to just pop into my head. Walking always helps. Doodling, painting, and just playing in my journal is a great way.
Still, I think somehow I should do it differently.  Not sure why I think that I should be able to just sit in front of a computer screen and come up with ideas. Do people really work that way?
I do like to give myself “assignments”. I decided last fall to teach myself how to make stop motion animation.
I have always been fascinated with animation. I did want to be an animator for Disney when I was little (well, that and a jockey and a stewardess). We got a new laptop with iMovies, which made it easy to just jump in.
Here are a few that I made.
sketchbook  
paper coils
photobooth
 I made a bunch.
The key for me was I was just learning and they were just for fun. That is how I work. Can’t take things too seriously. Frustrating as it is the minute I try to be serious and make things matter the creativity shuts down. Switch just turns off.

   I also wanted to start painting again but I didn’t know what I wanted to paint. Kind of a problem, but I kept doodling in my journal and messing around with paint. I bought a sticker book of Hundertwasser’s work at Book People. I loved his buildings I saw in Vienna especially the Hundertwasser Haus.

 My excuse to buy the sticker book was it was for the boys, but I knew I wanted it for me.

I was just playing around and put some stickers down in my journal and then drew a building around the stickers. Fun!

  As a practicing architect whimsy was not a word I ever got to use. Working on assisted living facilities, gated apartment complexes, and medical offices there was not a lot of joy and whimsy.
So it was really fun for me not to have to be so serious around architecture.

That led to a series of my “silly architecture” paintings. 

Sometimes the cat would help.

This one even has wings, maybe flames, or pointy hair boss hair. Fun!

I liked them so much I hung them on the wall.

Primero needed a new dresser.  I got him an unstained pine wood chest of drawers from Ikea. I was going to paint the drawers blue with his old wall paint but I couldn’t find it in the garage so I just decided to paint on it my way instead.

I loved mixing the paints and figuring out what colors to use next. I didn’t realize it at the time but it was a sneaky not being serious way to get me to paint. It worked! I’m thinking the bi-fold doors to the laundry closet are next or maybe the side of the garage…

Stir-fried Broccoli and Red Pepper with Peanut Sauce
from Cook’s Illustrated
 
This is a quick and tasty dish. If you don’t have fish sauce it’s worth buying a bottle. It is cheap and lasts a long time in the fridge. It adds that extra flavor complexity to stir-fries, making it taste like it was prepared in a restaurant (rather than simply on your stovetop).
 
Serves 4 as a main dish with rice or noodles
 
Ingredients:
3 Tbls fish sauce
zest  and juice from 1 lime
1 Tbls brown sugar
1/4 tsp red pepper flakes
¾ cup coconut milk
¼ cup water
3 Tbls peanut butter
1 Tbls  plus 1 tsp vegetable oil
1 large red bell pepper
9 oz broccoli, cut into 1 inch florets (about 4 cups)
2 cloves garlic, pressed through garlic press
¼ inch piece of fresh ginger peeled and minced (I use a microplane)
 
1. Mix the fish sauce, lime juice, zest, brown sugar, and red pepper flakes in a small bowl until sugar is dissolved. Whisk in coconut milk, water, and peanut butter. Set aside.
 
2. In a very small bowl mix 1 tsp of oil with minced garlic and ginger. Set aside.
 
3. Heat 1 Tbls of oil in 12 inch non-stick skillet on high heat until shimmering. Add red pepper and broccoli. Cook, stirring often until just barely tender, about 2 minutes. Push vegetables to sides of skillet, clearing center of pan. Add remaining oil, garlic, and ginger to center of pan and mash with back of spoon; cook until you can smell the ginger and garlic, about 30 seconds, then stir mixture into vegetables. Reduce heat to medium-low and stir in sauce. Simmer to heat through and blend flavors, about 1 minute.

It is slowly occurring to me that this IS my life and I do have to live it in a way that is just right for me. That isn’t being selfish but real.

I wish there was a direct path I could follow. I wish I had a guidebook, but I only have my feelings and intuition. As an artist, I have to be brave enough for things not to make sense. I have to trust myself. To not worry so much if it’s what others do, what others will think. I have to just keep on creating.

Which means I have to say “no” a lot. I’m always flattered when people ask me to do things. Wow, they really think I can do that? I almost always regret getting into things because I was flattered.
 

I was in charge of refreshments for the Hyde Park Fire Station Festival this year. I didn’t have to make anything. I asked for donations from businesses that were happy to donate. I “just” had to be the organizer. It really wasn’t THAT hard or complicated. My predecessor left me great notes on what to do, BUT it did take up a lot of my thought and energy that I would rather be using on something else (like my own creative projects). I found it stressful and overwhelming. I’m not good at asking for help, and I realized too late I really needed more volunteers.
 
Everything ended up being fine, but after it was over I was EXHAUSTED physically and mentally. I’m sure there’s someone out there that would have loved the responsibility and would have loved being involved and helping out. I now realize it isn’t me.

I also realize just because I don’t work full time, it doesn’t mean I have to volunteer for everything asked of me from the boys’ schools. I can say no and it doesn’t make me a bad parent. If I do say no, then I have the energy to do the things I like doing with my kids.

I love being a mom, but those boys do take up a lot of my energy and thought. I have to be careful to make sure I leave enough for me too.